Welcome to The Pulse, your lifeline on media and pop culture. We’ve got something special here for you this week on The Pulse, the beginning of a new semi-regular segment, a category we will be diving into more for future lists, but today my friends, today is the first. We are cracking open an ice cold can of worms and delving into the seedy YouTube underbelly of bizarre commercials. Now I say bizarre commercials, but that is only just scratching the surface because not only are we showcasing the bizarre, but we are also taking a look at the absurd, the strange, the funny, the inappropriate and whatever other commercials I feel like including. I’ll try and let the commercials here speak for themselves and give a few of my own thoughts here and there as necessary. I can’t guarantee these are all going to be the most safe for work videos out there on the net (they certainly won’t be the least safe for work at least) but I will do my best to flag any questionable content as a courtesy to you beloved readers. Unfortunately, I cannot promise there won’t be any strange dreams or nightmares to come of these, but that’s half the fun idn’t it?
Let’s get to it!
10. Sony wants the PS3 to give you nightmares.
Is it any wonder why Sony’s third iteration of the Playstation brand got off to such a rocky start? From a meme worthy first E3 appearance to a price tag that demanded you would work more hours to bring the console home, the absolute cherry on top of the shit sundae that was the PS3’s launch was the rather..off putting way Sony approached advertising their first foray into the HD gaming market. Just, what the fuck guys? Ah well, at least the console would self-right and go on to be a fantastic successor to what is arguably the best system in gaming history (for what it’s worth, I don’t hold the PS2 quite as highly as that, but perhaps that is a list for another day).
9. Nintendo discovers that sex sells.
Yes, this really was a commercial Nintendo released to advertise the (incredibly underrated) Gameboy Micro. Why did they decide that a mouse having its way with a game system was a good way to sell their product? I don’t know. Let’s just be glad they got this out of their system before the more..questionably shaped Wiimote made its debut and we really saw what Nintendo could do with a sex sells marketing push.
8. Juiced actually uses sex to sell (NSFW)
So you probably aren’t familiar with the street racing sim Juiced because the most notable thing about not-Forza/not-Gran Turismo is the highly controversial ad that was meant to show off the customization options afforded to the player in this hip and cool racing title. And how do they go about that? By uh..enhancing a passing pedestrian before stripping her down. Obviously not an advert for us folks here in the states, you really can get away with so much more on television across the pond.
7. Is it any wonder why Quiznos isn’t around anymore?
For those needing a little more nightmare fuel for tonight, I give you the spongemonkeys! These..delightful critters sang jubilation about the tasty and crunchy subs of the ill-fated Quiznos brand and, lest we forget, their famous pepper bar. Now, while they are certainly no Jersey Mike’s as far as chains go, I actually did enjoy a good sub from the nearby Quiznos back in the day. The brand may not be completely extinct, but they did file for bankruptcy some years ago and one does have to wonder if these little fellas played some part in that fate because they certainly didn’t help matters.
6. Puppy Monkey Baby
Jesus Christ Mountain Dew, just no.In a brilliant example of why certain things just are not meant to be combined we are introduced to the abomination that will haunt the dreams of soda lovers everywhere. Say it with me folks, puppy. monkey. baby.
5. Playstation Europe cares about your mental wealth…allegedly.
Sony, guys, I love you and all but you gotta stop with this uncanny valley stuff because people aren’t going to want to buy your product if you scare the shit out of them. I mean, I’d buy it because I’m a sick freak, but the general populace is going to take one look at this, turn 360 degrees and moonwalk away.
4. Maybe it’s a good thing they never brought Kinder Surprise to the US.
Now, being a child growing up here in the US I was never lucky enough to be able to go down to the corner market to pick up a Kinder Surprise and enjoy the delicious German chocolate wrapped around a choking hazard. These days I can get some sort of close facsimile from the liquor store, but while the chocolate is still delicious, the lack of threat to my ability to breathe just leaves me wanting and wondering. What does that have to do with the commercial? Nothing, but what does a horrifying humpty dumpty abomination have to do with chocolate and toys?
3. Hey kids, it’s fun to ooze your friends!
This commercial leaves me feeling very unclean and, like, having it in my search history is going to end with Chris Hansen knocking on my door.
2. Corn Nuts invites you to bust a nut.
This is a song about enjoying a tasty, crunchy toasted snack and nothing else. Got it?
1. Ice cream that will stare into your soul.
Ah! Ah! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
I hope you guys enjoyed this plunge into the darker side of Youtube with me, like I said this is but the first of many forays into the wonderful world of fucked up commercials. Because nothing is more likely to get someone to buy their product than making them think you will find them and kill them if you don’t. Next week I’ll be fulfilling a promise I made in a previous edition of The Pulse so stay tuned for one last look at the last decade in gaming.
If you liked what you saw here today, be sure to check out some of my previous top 10’s such as the ones listed here:
And if you’re curious as to what else you can expect from me in 2020 here on the Gathering, gotcha covered: